This blog is being used to help me deal with past child abuse, perhaps help me heal and understand why I was a victim.How I survived it and didn't use it as an excuse for all my downfalls, also as a mom myself didn't abuse my children,but had a hard time disciplinning.

Thursday, September 06, 2007



Tuesday, September 21, 2004

Hi Daddy a little more on Mom's demented mind

Dear Daddy,

I've been thinking quite hard on how to put some of the cruel demented things in words that I witnessed as a child and left me quite devestated. My tummy turns somersaults when I have to picture the time she choked the little puppy to death with her bare hands. I couldn't believe what I was seeing as I watched the little puppy take it's last breath while little bits of foam dribbled from it's mouth. One of my siblings got out of bed as she heard the puppy whimper and witnessed the end of the cruel thing that just took place. Mom yelled at her to go back to bed the pup was fine she was putting it out on the balcony to go to the bathroom. What she did was put it in a brown paper bag and placed it in the shed. I was frightened because I knew that could be me as I knew what it felt like to have her hands around my throat. I was relieved in a way for the puppy as she used to abuse it by hitting it with a three inch quarter ruler on the head and she really got a thrill out of it along with throwing boiling hot water at the pup just to see reaction and that was another big thrill she'd laugh so heartedly as the puppy ran around in circles. She used to choke me the same way daddy I would see stars and my whole body would go all funny and limp. Do you remember asking her what happened to the puppy and she told you it got locked in the shed and froze to death, you didn't even question it. I could never tell you as I knew I might end up the same way the puppy did when you went to work and she already had found a way to silence my sibling, probably promised her a big surprise. So you see she also damaged my siblings mentally and we didn't know right from wrong as she ran the whole house and made the rules except for when you were home from work. There was one time I remember she choked my so hard I passed out for awhile. When I woke up I was on the couch and I had pajamas on and she was hugging and kissing me. I thought oh my gosh what happened she loves me. Then the next day everything was back to normal torture but she never choked me again after that incident when I passed out. Why I was so surprised about the pajamas was because she used to keep me in just my underwear and sometimes a tea shirt. Everything that hurt she did to me. There is so much much more daddy but I must take a break as it does take alot out of me rehashing the memories and believing that it was me that survived at her cruel hands and didn't end up doing crazy cruel things she did.

Thursday, September 09, 2004

Daddy Mom had a sick demented mind

Dear Daddy

I don't even know where to begin telling you of the sick things she made me to other people. Mom was envious of alot of people which is what drove her to try and destroy what they had. For instance, I remember when one of our aunts decided to plant a lovely flower garden. Auntie was OH so proud of it, of course I destroyed it. Mom was so jealous she couldn't wait for me to destroy it. She sent me out of the house around four or five A.M. with my plastic bag and instructions on how to make sure I pulled not only the flower but the whole root so it wouldn't grow back. I hated what I had to do but I did it for her and so she would love me. I brought mom back the bag with the evidence that I had done the job right. I'm sure you remeber that incident you just didn't know it was your own daughter who had destroyed your sisters garden.
The bad girl will strike again, this time with a plastic lemon filled with mom's urine. My next revenge task was to squirt the landlords son in the eyes with the lemon. Mom was so excited about it and telling me make sure you get him in the face. I was afraid to do it but I know I had no choice as she was watching from the living room window laughing and waiting to see his reaction. Daddy I didn't want to get him in the eyes because I knew it would burn and I didn't try very hard but I did chase him around the yard squirting him. Mom was angry but still pleased, it made part of her day. I'm not finished daddy wait till you hear the next chore. Hard to believe or picture but here it is dad. Mom got a newspaper shit on it and made me place it at the landlords front door so when they went out their front door in the morning they'd step in it. Sure enough another successful task. Mom had tears running down her face laughing so hard. I know you remeber hearing about these things and now you know who was behind all these sick pranks. Their's alot more dad and when I sit and mull these things over in my mind I can't believe she is my mom.

Saturday, August 21, 2004

Daddy's Underwear Are To Big

Dear Daddy,

Today was another one of those days when I was thinking about some of the things I'd like to share with you that make me sad. It was a regular school day which I was glad as going to school was a pleasure for me. Well she managed to make that hell for me too. How could mom possibly make school hell for me. When you have to wear your father's underwear to school it's pretty scarry and embarassing. Mom found a way to make those underwear fit me alright, and she also found a way to make me hurt. She wrapped the crutch of your underwear with plastic and tape as she knew when I sat down it would dig into my skin and if the wind blew it would lift my tunic and everyone would see, but I walked pretty stiff with my arms at my side holding down my tunic so it wouldn't blow up as the unerwear were all taped and pinned up so she could make me as uncomfortable as possible. No matter what she did I still got great marks in school as you know yourself. School was my sanctuary away from her sick mind. All the marks on my body you questioned her about came from her, not me teasing the boys at school like she informed you. Mom tried to make me look and feel so ugly, especially when she always had my hair short like a boy. You even asked her why she cut my hair so short all the time and she replied that my hair was so thin it was a way to make it grow in thicker. That was a lie as my hair is thicker now because I get to eat the proper foods. Remember dad alot of my snacks were little pieces of stools from her or my siblings. I rarely had anything to drink, it got so bad I used to sneak into the bathroom and drink from the toilet. I couldn't turn on the tap as she would hear the water so I found a way to atleast get a quick sip or two without her knowing. There's alot more daddy and sometimes it's hard to write them, I want to sit down and tell you but I don't know how you would react. I know it's hard to believe but it's true dad and it drains me just thinking and writing about it. I still love her a bit though daddy, ask me how when I'm finished telling you everything. I'll be back later daddy, love you.

Sunday, August 08, 2004

A letter I started and never finished

Dear Daddy

It's me your little lost girl. This is something I should have done years ago, I tried to tell you once when I ran away . Then I got scared cause I knew when you confronted mom what would happen to me especially if you thought it was lies. I remember you asked me on the drive home if everything was true . Naturally I retracted everything as you were bringing me back to my nightmare to continue on.
It's funny you lived in the same house as me and saw nothing. It was hard for you to but it really was a hell and nightmare for me everytime you walked out that door.I'm hoping this is my cure after living for so many years trying to understand why you let me live a life of terror. I'm mentally and physically damaged still looking for answers as to why you never helped me or could see that I was being treated differently from the rest of my siblings. If my children were being abused in any way I would see the signs as I learnt from the best how to cover up Mom was clever and able to get away with it fo alot of my life. Your were my hero whenever you came home as she really couldn't much to me unless you were sleeping . She always made up double abuse for me for the time you spent at home and she couldn't really torture me. My treat when you left for work was a piece of stool from one of my siblings diapers or she would save a piece of her own stool. I tried so hard just to swallow it but she insisted I chew the stool. It was horrible daddy, and I doubt you would guess she topped it off with a small glass of urine. Maybe that's why I was never sick as urine is used in some cases for a cure I think or maybe it was all the good food you ate so I was still getting some source of food. Mom did alot of sick things to me daddy and my siblings feel for me now as they didn't understand at such a young age. They certainly understand now what hell I went through.
I searched a long time to find a man like you and now I'm glad I didn't. I loved you with my whole heart and soul but you never loved me back or saved me. I really don't know how all this is going to come out when we all decide to get together and tell you, but sooner or later you must know who the bad girl was and the trouble maker and punish her not me.

Tuesday, July 13, 2004

My mind is racing

Hi dad,

It's taken me a little time to get back to you. My mind has so many awful memories and it makes my life a living hell at times. What could I have done so bad to be the only one abused, especially from birth. There are so many scars on my body and soul, some visable other's buried deep in my heart, it still hurts oh so much.
Every time I look at my feet the burn scar across my foot brings back horrible memories and all I can think is, how could a mom ever burn her own childs feet on the stove and not have a conscious. When ever I saw the stove on and the burner red hot with no pot on it, I knew what was coming. She would stuff a rag in my mouth, turn me upside down and put my foot on the burner. It was so painful daddy, one time I tried so hard to get away she missed and burnt my ankle and then she yelled at me because she said everyone would see it now, but she kept it well hidden. I wasn't allowed to cry daddy, gosh I was a little girl being tortured by your wife mother of your children. One time you even saw the big blister on my foot as I didn't know you were home and I forgot to put my sock back on and you asked me what happened to my foot and she quickly answered by saying I wore shoes that were to small. I don't know how you let that go as it was all blistery from mom yanking the sock off my foot ripping the scab off as more torture, it was right below my toes on the top of my foot. Were you that blind daddy? The top of both my feet were scarred from the burns. One time I was in my corner as usual on my knees, mom put a paper bag over my head, while she heated up the scissors on the stove and then placed them on my butt.I was branded with the number 6 but the scar has faded over the years but it was seen by my siblings, they feel for me today daddy.

Monday, June 21, 2004

I'm Trying to tell you but it's still hard

I want so much for you to understand what mom did to me dad, I'm grown up now so maybe you'll believe it this time. I never understood why I was treated so differently from my siblings. Never ate the same food as them, only time I had meals was when you were home. Do you remember the hard rock peanut butter sandwiches you found in the cupboard? That was my lunch from the previous day that I couldn't eat. It was the same lunch every day, peanut butter on two pieces of bread. If I couldn't eat it it was there for the next day unwrapped. One day it was so bad and so hard to swallow as the bread was so stale, I threw up and she made me eat it while my siblings laughed at it. Just like when she put the brown paper bag over my head and cut a hole just for my mouth to eat whatever she decided to feed me. Your at work dad, I'm stuck in my corner of the kitchen on my knees as usual, and everyone is sitting down to supper and desert. Supper is over and it,s desert time I know what it is as it's passed under my nose then passed to my sibling. You never could see dad, she had an answer for everytime you asked about the marks visible on my body. You asked mom why I had welts on my legs, her reply, "she was the teasing the boys at school and they whipped her with the skipping rope" you believed it no questions asked. The previous day she had whipped me with the vacume cleaner cord. I hated when you had to go to work, except for when I was at school, I was safe there and treated normal.There's so much dad I don't know how to put it into words. I'm a grown adult why can't I just sit down alone with you and let it out, I guess I'm still scared in some way and feel I'm at fault. But no child deserves to be abused mentally or physically.